I used to shout at my son. I used to get angry right back at him when he got angry. Not immediately, but after a few minutes of him not listening to reason. I would feel myself getting more and more frustrated that he wasn’t reacting how I expected. That he was shouting and banging and crashing around.
The angrier I got the worse his behaviour got. I didn’t notice it at the time. I just thought “here we go again!” and we would both repeat the same pattern, over and over again.
He would lose the plot over something ridiculous. A tiny mistake, a simple request or a small accident. Something like dropping a toy or tripping on the edge of the rug would be a catastrophe.
Sometimes I would see what happened and be shocked by the intensity of the reaction. How could such a minor event trigger such a massive outburst? I didn’t understand. It made no sense to me at all.
“Don’t be so silly” I’d say.
“Don’t you dare throw that toy!” which of course he would anyway.
“Stop getting angry” like that ever worked with anyone, ever.
And so it went on.
I don’t consider myself to be a shouty person. In fact, I hate confrontation and arguments and I don’t tend to lose my temper easily. Yet I still found myself shouting at my son quite often, but never at my daughter. She seemed to just get everything right. She did as she was told. She understood the rules. She behaved just as she was expected to in every circumstance.
How come I was doing well with her but felt like a complete failure at parenting my son?
A disappointed look or a slight change of intonation was enough to alert my daughter that she was pushing her luck. With my son, I’d have to physically drag him away or shout at him to get the same message across.
Every simple request was met with defiance or avoidance. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, putting shoes on. All of these simple tasks became battles.
Leaving the house for fun activities was regularly abandoned with everyone upset and retreating back to their rooms in various states of anger and frustration. On the rare occasions when we did make it out, it would be under a cloud of sulking and whinging to the point that it was barely worth the bother.
It was exhausting, embarrassing and utterly confusing.
I was well aware that I was parenting my kids differently even before autism was ever mentioned. It was the only way to do it and had occurred naturally through trial and error. What I thought should work, simply didn’t.
Like all parents we muddled through trying to do our best. In truth we didn’t have a clue how to effectively parent our son. We were not parenting him fairly or happily. It was a real struggle and there was a lot of frustration, tears and guilt on both sides.
What Was Going Wrong?
In truth, I think it went wrong right at the beginning, in fact probably before we even had children.
You see, as a new parent much of the advice you’re given comes from the older generation. Your Mum or Grandma will share their wisdom with phrases like, ‘you don’t get an instruction book when you have a baby.’ And in the literal sense that is absolutely true. Nobody hands you a physical guidebook telling you how to parent.
You just get the baby and off you go. It’s a learn as you go situation.
But all your life you’ve been learning how to be a parent. You experienced it first-hand from your own parents. Whether you consider your parents to be good or bad, you have in some way based your parenting style on theirs. You’ve seen how other families work too, through visits to friends’ houses or even on TV.
Examples of parenting are all around us. In restaurants, supermarkets, parks and schools. We’ve all been on a plane or in a cinema with a child kicking the back of our seat. Or admired well behaved children sat quietly in restaurants.
There are rules. There are ways that things are done. Acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. The right way and the wrong way to handle the behaviour. Basic rules that everyone follows.
You know what works because you have seen it thousands of times before. Good parents are in control. They praise and encourage good behaviour. They discipline and threaten punishment for bad behaviour.
You even know the lines to use. It’s a set script that everyone follows. A ‘you say this, they say/do that’ pattern. The adult gives an instruction and the child instinctively knows the appropriate response.
It doesn’t look difficult and you always thought that you would be a great parent. You knew exactly what to do, it looked easy. You were sure you would have the happiest and best-behaved children. You would be the super fun yet still in control type of parent that you wish you’d had as a child.
And then you have your own child.
This child does not follow the rules. They didn’t get the memo about the rules.
They don’t even know there are rules. When you try to enforce the rules, they look at you as if you are crazy. They question the rules. They defy the rules. They don’t even understand why there are rules. The rules certainly should not apply to them.
As a parent you can’t believe they don’t know about the rules. How come everyone else’s kids know about the rules. Maybe you already have other children and they definitely know about the rules, but this one doesn’t! What’s going on?
This was not in the plan.
You soon realise that you are not fun, and you certainly are not in control. Your child is sad, angry or badly behaved most of the time. You are miserable and feel like a failure.
Other parents judge you. School spend more time telling you how naughty your child is than discussing their academic progress. Even your own parents blame you. But nobody will be as critical as you are on yourself.
You know you are trying harder than everyone to get it right. You’ve listened to all the advice; you’ve read the parenting books. You’ve tried every behaviour strategy, reward charts, naughty step, consequences, punishment. Nothing works.
Why Does Nothing Work With This Child?
The answer is really simple. You are using the wrong rule book. The wrong instruction manual.
Imagine buying a microwave and getting the instruction manual for a washing machine. You don’t realise they are wrong, so you follow them. Your logic for this is that if this is what came in the box, it must be right.
No matter how many times you put dirty laundry into a microwave it will never get it clean.
But because these are the only instructions you have you carry on doing the same thing. You trust the instructions despite them seeming wrong. You keep pressing the same buttons, but each time a bit harder. You even start to bang the top and shout at it in frustration.
You complain about it not working to anyone who will listen. But everyone tells you to persevere with the instructions. They work fine for them. ‘Don’t give up’ they say, ‘just press the buttons harder’.
So, you go home with renewed determination. You read the instructions again. You prod every button harder. It still doesn’t work. Deep down you know something isn’t right, but what could it be?
Eventually you decide that it must be faulty. It’s started burning your clothes now and you are worried it might explode. It’s never going to work and you’re sick of trying so you give up before it does some serious damage.
But what if, instead of giving up you decided to throw away the instructions? What if you trusted your instincts and used your own judgement? What if you decided to work out what the problem is for yourself?
Try looking at it as if you’ve never seen it before. Forget all the failures and see it with fresh eyes. Analyse it with an inquisitive and open mind.
It will soon become obvious that it was never designed to wash clothes. No amount of prodding, shouting and banging would ever change that. All you were doing was causing damage.
The idea pops into your head to try putting food in it. You cautiously put a pot of beans in and gently press the start button. Then you watch the magic happen. You have perfectly heated food in seconds.
You can’t believe your eyes. All this time you had this amazing machine that was fantastic at heating up food. You were so determined to follow the rules, you didn’t see what was staring you in the face all along.
Then you realise the problem was never the microwave.
The microwave had always worked perfectly.
How Do I Work Out What to Change?
I’m embarrassed to say that even after my son’s autism diagnosis, it still took a long time for me to realise that I could throw away the old instructions. I continued using the only instructions I had and when they didn’t work, I blamed his autism.
He won’t do that because he’s autistic. He doesn’t understand because he’s autistic. He hit that child because he’s autistic. He’s screaming and swearing because he’s autistic.
It eventually occurred to me that if his brain worked differently to mine, then what I thought was right wouldn’t necessarily be what he thought was right.
If he feels, thinks and experiences the world differently, then, how could I expect him to behave and react the same as his sister, or any other child.
So why did I keep expecting my son to follow the rules that were not written for him? How could an autistic child be expected to understand instructions designed for, and by a neurotypical brain?
He wasn’t being defiant or naughty or difficult. He wasn’t intentionally trying to be awkward or give me a hard time. He wasn’t trying to spoil every trip out or family gathering. He wasn’t being lazy or stupid or clumsy.
He was being autistic. He has always been and will always be autistic. But his autism wasn’t the reason for his behaviour. His behaviour was the only way he knew how to tell me he was struggling to cope or understand. That he was overwhelmed or anxious, frightened or confused.
He was trying his best to cope with the confusion of not understanding the world around him. A world designed to suit a neurotypical brain. A world where even his parents were making him feel that he didn’t fit in. Where he was constantly being asked to do things and feel things and say things that were completely alien to what his brain was telling him.
Nobody was listening to him though. He had been trying to tell us, but he didn’t have the right words. Nobody understood his cries for help. When utter frustration and helplessness exploded from his body he would be shouted at. Told he was wrong. Made to feel worthless and ashamed.
It had to change. For everyone’s mental health and well-being. For the whole family and for his future. I had to make it change for all of us. But it wasn’t my son I had to change. My son was never faulty.
I threw away the instructions and I started again from scratch. I finally saw what his behaviour was really telling me, and I dug deeper. I started to notice patterns and recognise what he was struggling with. I changed my language and adjusted my expectations. I learned about him.
The more I listened, the more I understood what had been staring me in the face all along. I worked with him and gave compassion and eventually he learnt to trust me. His ‘behaviour’ started to improve because finally I was seeing him for who he actually was and not trying to make him into a carbon copy of everyone else’s child.
He became much happier with himself. It was working.
During a school review he told his teacher “My mum gets me, she understands me”.
That’s all I could ever ask for. We are a team, I’m his biggest advocate and his loudest cheer leader. We have trust, respect and unconditional love. Neither of us are perfect, we don’t get it right 100% of the time. But when we get it wrong, we forgive and agree to try better next time. We learn from our mistakes as well as our successes.
Every child deserves to feel they are understood, in fact it’s a basic human need. They also need a family home that makes them feel safe and parents who guide and support them through life.
You can do this. You just have to work out what that looks like for your unique family. If it means changing the rules, adjusting how things get done and maybe even accepting a few limitations, then so be it.
It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. Stop comparing. See your child for who they truly are. They may just surprise you.
How Do I Start to Make a Change?
Change always starts with you.
Take on the challenge, be determined and passionate about change. Nobody else can do this for you.
Believe in yourself and your child. You are both amazing at being who you are.
Embrace that your child is different, and the old rules need to be changed.
Look at your child with fresh eyes and recognise their unique strengths and positive qualities.
Work out what motivates them, what triggers them (and you) and imagine things from their perspective.
Draw a line under the past. You can’t change that so forget it. Focus on the future and how much better your family life will be.
Remember
- All behaviour is communication.
- Your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time.
- Your child wants to succeed and do the right thing. Your job is to help them.
- You define what happiness looks like for your family. Work towards your happiness, not other peoples’ expectations of what it should be.
Take positive action NOW. Don’t wait for the right moment. That time is now so start today, this very minute in fact.
Sign up for our ‘7 Steps to Change Challenge’ and get started on creating your calm and happy family.
Love and hugs,
Nadine
xxx
All content created for and written by myextraordinaryfamily.com is based on my own personal experience as an autism mother, partner and advocate. I am an expert by experience and do not have official qualifications in autism. I live my daily life constantly learning, supporting and advocating for my neurodiverse family and speak from this point of view. Any advice given is purely based on what has worked for me and my extraordinary family and I offer no guarantees that you will have the same results with your unique family.
Recent Comments